The Swear Jar

My beautiful and intelligent wife Crystal has some very nice friends whom one could consider "proper," especially in terms of vocabulary. For them, swearing is crude and offensive. While in their presence, Crystal occasionally found herself biting her tongue to intercept vulgarities during casual conversation.


To combat this potentially reputation-ruining habit, Crystal decided to introduce a "swear jar" into her life several weeks ago. She took care to select a lovely crystal bowl and decorated it with shiny, colored stones. Every time she uttered a four-letter expletive, she paid the jar a dollar. The money collected would only benefit someone else. The hope was, that little "sting" would offer some negative reinforcement, ultimately breaking her habit while simultaneously injecting a bit of good Karma into the ether.


Crystal dutifully paid the jar whenever her language slipped. Money briskly accumulated at first, then eventually payments became rarer, proving the plan's efficacy. Until COVID, that is.


I was sitting in my office when I heard Crystal suddenly shout approximately $8 worth of jar cash. She had just read her Coronavirus test results, and they were positive. There was no mistake about it - the word POSITIVE was written in all caps, in bright red. Crystal later hopped on the phone with her twin sister, who offered to Venmo her some swear-cash to help her weather the storm. Heck, we were ready to start a Go-Fund-Me for the jar so she could just let loose!


Today, the jar contains around $17. She carries a wad of singles large enough for a Chippendale's show, but hasn't used any of it for a while.


Given what she's been through, $17 is pretty f***in' good, if you ask me.



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